Monday, June 14, 2010

Restoration of Riding My OWN Beat.

I heard the sound of your bass, the vibrations hypnotized my heart. Your lyrical genius was my Siren, my mythological sea nymph that lured me in with a perfected arrangement of syllables that so easily left your mouth. I tried for too long to capture your enchantment. Only to find out that your love is not the kind you can capture. Snapshots of our memories linger imprinted on my heart. Ambitious motivation that is what you possess, that is what I wanted. The more I wanted and tried to possess that the more I lost that in myself. At times you may have absorbed my own reserves. I will always have love for you, that will never go away.

Now I will restore the sound of my very own beat, up-tempo and filled with sunshine. I will create my pulse note by note, in which one day I will dance to with grace and sass. Where I am today I have you to thank for a large portion of one of the larger crescendos of my life. Your hypnosis pulled me out of darkness, more than once in ways you may never know. What's meant to be will be. I can truly and purely accept that.

Right now my hips fluidly rock side to side slithering up and down unsure of how this musical connotation will play out. In that I find an odd immense satisfaction. Rolling my body to the sounds of my heart has given me content in which I've never felt before. A peaceful harmony has girdled my exsistence. I can only imagine where my heart will orchestrate my pirouetted life next as I restore the sounds of my very OWN beat.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Tip-Toeing On The Edge Of Destruction

Blinded with infatuation, or the theory of Love. Suffocating with thoughts of you as sirens go off in my mind warning me of the F-5 about to tear through my Soul. On the fence of what to do with you. Continue this persistant battle for your affections, or give up on what feels like timeless passion?!?
A recent exploit has left my hope for any relationship with a man in dissaray. Insecurities and paranoia have unfortunately taken control of my essence. Past demons have been strangling my understanding of anything sane. I hate every ounce of the manipulative spirit that has manuevered itself by my side reminding me of that day of exploitation. It's seaped into the perfume I wore, the jeans, shoes, and scarf that covered every square inch of my tangible body that day. It whispers indecision and self-doubt constantly. Continually holding back tears of pain makes it hard to breathe. All I want is to breathe. Clinging to faith desperately, fiercely searching for any trace of hope while gasping for air.
And then there's you. You give my emotions a bi-polarity that is exhausting. You are skilled at draining my reserved energies and bringing the fool out in me. I want to scream three years of suppressed unsatisfied fervor at you. Then the moment I come in contact with your aura all of my rage and insecurities dissipate. I feel safe, satisfied, destined certainty. But intermittently when I taste your kisses, you're gone. I've lost you. How can you lose something you never truly had? How is it that you are so good at making me feel as if I am not good enough for you? Why am I not enough for you? My Grandfather once told me, "Never let ANY man make you feel as if you are not worthy of him." I feel inadequate next to you. Is it because I'm so guarded? The succubus forces slithered consonants out responding, "No, you fool! He doesn't want you, he never did," as his snake like tongue flicks my ear emphasizing his lingering presence. Thoughts of you succumb to me at night when I sleep. Tossing and turning, restless sleep, and nightmares stress my thoughts of this tumultuous relationship in which I've lost control of myself.
So here I stand, breathless and fatigued. Determined to conquer. Ambition, drive, and aggression will overpower the negative forces I am crusading. I will continue to radiate my Inner Sass. And that is one thing I have confidence in which will remain constant. And that is my appeasement that catalyzes my survival.